The Jewish Guide has included some jokes that will definitly put a smile on your face.
An Elderly Couple
An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back! , and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Passover and paying their own airfares."
He Wants To be Saved…
There was a guy drowning in the ocean. He prayed to G_d to save him.
A few minutes later a boat came and offered to pick him up and take him to shore. The drowning man refused and the boat left.
Another boat came and offered to save the man and he said no, and the boat left.
Finally a third boat came and said I can help you. Once again the drowning man said ”no”.
When he died he said to G_d: I trusted you. Why didn't you save me??
G_d said: I sent you 3 boats!!!!!!!!!!
A Walk in the Forest
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to G_d to ask, "G_d, what is a million years to you?
G_d replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "G_d, what is a million dollars to you?"
G_d replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me. "The man asks, "So G_d, can I have a million dollars?"
And G_d replies, "In a second."
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"
Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars
Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I 'd like to ride in that helicopter". Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."
Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is fifty dollars -- and fifty dollars is fifty dollars".
The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars."
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"
Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- fifty dollars is fifty dollars."
The Chicken or the Egg
Moishe runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"
The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.
"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."
Time For Shul
One Shabbat morning, a mother went into the bedroom to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready to go to the Shul (synagogue), to which he replied: "I'm not going."
"Why not?" she asked.
"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me”, and “ two, I don't like them."
His mother replied: "I'll give YOU two good reasons why you MUST go to the Shul. “ONE, you're 54 years old”, and “TWO, you're the Rabbi!”
At the Hairdressers
Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat.
Sadie says, "So nu, Rose, how's that daughter of yours?"
Rose replies, "She's OK thanks. She married a fantastic man. He's got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary's job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid, or worry about my 2 lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny."
Sadie then asks, "And how's your son?"
Rose replies, "His life is awful. He married an awful woman. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. G_d forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny."
The Window We Which We Look…
A young couple moved into a new neighborhood. The next morning while they were eating breakfast, The young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside. 'That laundry is not very clean,' she said. 'She doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.' Her husband looked on, but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
”Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband replied, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!”
A Rabbi, a cantor, and a synagogue president were driving to a seminar when they were kidnapped. The highjackers asked the three of them to hand over all of their money and jewellery. When they replied that they hadn't any, the hijackers told them that immediately after their last wishes were fulfilled, they would be killed.
"My last wish," began the Rabbi, is to give a fascinating, complicated, long sermon that I have always wanted to but never been allowed to give."
"We will grant your wish," the hijackers replied.
"My last wish," said the cantor, "is to sing a beautiful, Yemenite style song, one of my own compositions lasting two hours. I have never been allowed to sing it."
"We'll let you sing it," replied the hijackers.
"What is your last wish," the hijackers asked the shul president.
"Please, please shoot me now."